Introducing the Department of Individual Purity
At a dramatic press conference, the new Secretary promises to defend civilization by making sure everyone knows exactly who they are allowed to be.
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| Secretary Avery Strait addresses reporters at the inaugural press conference of the Department of Individual Purity. The department’s motto, Certitudo Per Conformitatem (“Certainty Through Conformity”), promises to restore national stability through carefully managed identity standards. |
Structure of the New Department
Secretary Strait announced that the Department of Individual Purity will begin operations immediately with three essential divisions:
The Bureau of Gender Verification
Responsible for ensuring that all citizens present themselves in accordance with approved biological expectations. Field officers will investigate suspicious haircuts, clothing irregularities, and any alarming outbreaks of personal authenticity.
The Office of Pronoun Compliance
Charged with monitoring language across schools, workplaces, and social media. Officials will issue corrective guidance whenever a conversation strays into dangerous territory such as empathy or curiosity.
The Directorate of Cultural Stability
Tasked with protecting traditional identity frameworks from destabilizing influences, including literature, theatre productions, university seminars, and certain hairstyles discovered in coffee shops.
Secretary Strait assured reporters that these divisions will work together “to guarantee that every American enjoys the comfort of knowing exactly who they are supposed to be.”
Remarks from Secretary Avery Strait of the Department of Individual Purity:
My fellow Americans,
Today I bring you an announcement of historic importance.
For too long our nation has struggled with a crisis that threatens the very foundations of civilization. Our citizens feel confused. Our leaders feel alarmed. Our pundits feel extremely well-funded.
And the cause of all this turmoil?
Identity.
For years we have asked ourselves difficult questions. Questions like:
Who is allowed to be what?
Who is allowed to say so?
And most importantly, who should be in charge of making sure everyone else answers correctly?
After careful consideration, the administration has decided that the time has come to bring order to this chaos.
Therefore, by executive authority, we are establishing a brand-new agency:
The Department of Individual Purity.
And I am honored to serve as the first Secretary of Individual Purity.
Now I know what some skeptics will say. They will say that a government department dedicated to regulating personal identity sounds intrusive. They will say that human beings have always lived with complexity and variation.
But I ask you this.
What good are highways, airports, and a functioning electrical grid if somewhere in the nation a person feels comfortable being themselves?
What good is prosperity if someone introduces themselves in a way that makes a television panel discussion slightly more complicated?
No, my friends. Civilization cannot flourish under such conditions.
The Department of Individual Purity will restore clarity.
Our analysts will monitor cultural developments to detect dangerous outbreaks of self-expression. Our field agents will investigate suspicious levels of authenticity. A national hotline will allow concerned citizens to report troubling signs that someone nearby may be living dishonestly.
Because freedom, as we all know, becomes much easier once someone else does the deciding.
Schools will receive updated educational guidance explaining that human beings come in exactly the number of categories required for social stability. Libraries will receive advisory labels on books that contain troubling ideas, such as empathy.
And every week, the Department will release its National Identity Stability Report, tracking deviations from approved norms nationwide.
Now, some critics will accuse us of overreach. They will say governments should not police identity. They will claim that societies grow stronger when people live honestly and freely.
But let us consider the alternative.
If people begin accepting one another as they are, what happens next?
Neighbors might stop fearing each other.
Communities might cooperate across differences.
Citizens might begin noticing that our real national problems have very little to do with someone’s gender identity or sexual orientation.
And if that happened, my friends, the culture war might start to look… unnecessary.
We cannot allow that.
Because nothing unites a nation faster than a carefully managed panic.
So tonight we begin the important work of protecting Americans from the terrifying possibility that human identity might be complicated.
And if anyone asks why such a department exists, we will remind them that it was created to defend civilization itself.
After all, history shows that nations rise and fall for many reasons: economic strength, political stability, and wise leadership.
But clearly the most important question of all has always been this:
Who exactly is that person allowed to be?
Thank you, and may the Department of Individual Purity keep us all exactly the same.
