Bump in the Road, or a Major Seismic Event to Start the New Year?

The year 2011 was a challenging year for me. It marked the end of my almost thirty-seven-year marriage, making Christmas and the year-end festivities unbearable. I was most grateful to my friends, especially my immediate family, for their sensitivity and love during those difficult days.

The year started on an urgent note after reading my friend Kathy Baldock’s blog post, which spurred me on to advocacy. Becoming an advocate was a new experience for me. The stories of persecution, beating, and killing of LGBTQ+ persons in Uganda were saddening and heartbreaking. Though advocating for others did not remove the sting of my own experiences, it helped me see my life in a larger context.

So, what did 2012 hold in store? Concerning Uganda’s Kill the Gays Bill, as I summarized above, had stalled mainly due to international pressure, but that was small comfort, given the intensely homophobic mood of the politicians and the country as a whole. Homosexuality had been illegal since colonial times, and Ugandans, as well as other Africans, had come to believe that homosexuality was a recent import from the west. Ugandans had been convinced there was a  sinister gay conspiracy to recruit Ugandan children into the homosexual lifestyle by bribing them with money and expensive toys. They believed their traditional family values were under attack and that they had to take action, with or without a law. And Angie was still in asylum limbo, waiting for approval from the U.S. State Department.  

These are the thoughts I wrote that captures where I was in my spiritual and social evolution as of January 2012:

The new year did start on an otherwise hopeful note for me. I attended the Gay Christian Network (GCN) conference in Orlando, Florida. Kathy Baldock had participated in the GCN annual conferences for several years and was one of the organization’s staunch straight allies. Kathy encouraged me to attend and to propose a workshop to the organizers, which they accepted. She had opined that folks at GCN needed to learn about transgender people. She was right. I titled the workshop “Getting Serious About the ‘T’ in ‘LGBT.’” I wanted to draw attention to to the realities of being trans and discuss the challenges and opportunities of being trans-friendly as individuals and as a group such as GCN, which historically been mostly an onclave of gay and only recently lesbians were in the mix.

GCN was not the only gay-friendly organization that described itself as LGBTQ+-welcoming. Unfortunately, the sad fact was many of those organizations only paid lip service to the “T” in the equation. Trans representation was almost non-existent. Of the four hundred-plus people attending that year’s GCN event, I only counted four trans persons. I was one of two trans women, and there were two trans men. This is the ratio of trans persons to the general population. I should have seen five-times as many trans persons, given that LGBTQ+ persons are about 5 to 7% of the population in the first place.

It begged the question, why were so few trans persons in attendance, and why were so few trans persons part of LGBTQ+ groups, both secular and religious? The answer was evident to me; I suspected trans persons tended to prefer anonymity for very valid reasons. As I saw it, we fell into one of three sub-groups: those who are closeted out of fear; those who transition but choose the live private and hidden lives; and those who reach a level of social and personal ‘congruence’ and are free to be themselves. And for those who achieve this third level of existence, the hope is to no longer see and refer to oneself as a trans man or woman, but simply as a man or a woman. Hence, the need to be identified with other trans persons, or with the LQBTQ+ community is a low priority or a non-issue for them.

Note: In 2012, Non-Binary (NB) identities and society’s understanding had not yet reached social consciousness. In a later chapter, I will share some of my lessons and how I grappled with NB identities and the evolving and emerging terminology and identities.   

How could an organization like GCN reach out to trans persons if trans persons valued and protect their anonymity? In many respects, most of the fears and needs of lesbians, gays, and bisexuals (LGB) are shared by trans persons. The big difference being an L, G, or B does not require making any external, visible changes to one’s appearance, as is the case for trans persons. Additionally, when one comes out as LGBTQ+ to the world, only the Ts will have to deal with society’s impositions and demands if they want to exist in society. You’ll need to chage your name legally, update birth certificates, and all government identification, including passport and driver’s license, to name a few. You will need to request new diplomas and professional credentials to keep your job or apply for new employment. After coming out, if you have an emergency requiring hospitalization or you have to go to work or school, if you are LGB, you’re not likely to experience any barriers. There won’t be any direct ramifications. But if you have come out as T, your gender presentation will be expected to match your gender identity in a way that satisfies the observer, and if there are incongruencies, your world could be turned upside down. 

As I write this, I recognize that I am privileged. Though I also hoped to go through life in stealth mode as a woman, I am openly transgender. That does not mean I announce to everyone I meet I used to exist as a man, for that is none of their business. However, I cannot erase my past, nor do I want to. I was a good husband and tried to be a good dad. At times I felt like I was dying slowly on the inside as I struggled with my confusing gender identity. Like every LGBTQ+ person I have had the privilege to meet and talk to, I prayed every day for G-d to make me normal, and I knew it would take a miracle. The miracle never came; the longer I lived, the more defeated I felt. Was it my lack of faith, or was I not praying correctly?

I came to faith in Jesus Christ when I was almost twenty-one. I honestly expected G_d to heal me somehow. Falling in love with a devoted Christian girl, marrying her, and fathering three children, one would think, should have done the magic and taken away the dysphoria.  My faith kept me from self-destructive stuff, but it produced mountains of guilt. I spiritualized my struggle, which is not a bad thing to do under most circumstances, but this prevented me from accepting the diagnosis I received after six months of assessment by the gender clinic at Vancouver General Hospital in 1999. It was not until 2006 that I could reconcile my faith to my diagnosis, and now, forty years after my conversion, I find myself living as a woman.

Why did G_d not “heal” me? And why was the “cure” for such a private and personal struggle so exposed and public? Don’t you think I would have preferred it if G_d had quietly snapped His finger and corrected my gender identity? You bet. 

Every LGBTQ+ person I know will echo a similar lament if you ask them. Yet, in G_d’s silence, or call it unwillingness to grant our wishes, perhaps there is an answer. Maybe G_d views our gender identity and sexual orientation differently from what we have been led to believe by Bible teachers who claim to speak for G_d and condemn LGBTQ+ persons in the process. May G_d doesn’t see anything that needs fixing.

GCN invited Alan Chambers to the conference this year. Chambers is president of Exodus International, the most influential organization claiming it can help people change their sexual orientation. Justin Lee, Executive Director of GCN, spoke of the need for reconciliation between Allan Chambers and all he represents and those who have gone through the Exodus and similar ex-gay programs but have not experienced a change in their orientation as promised. This was a very sensitive issue since many GCN members have not only spent a lot of money to pay for the help offered but have also paid heavy emotional prices in the process, yet failed to become straight.

I can understand why Justin Lee has been criticized by many who feel betrayed or hurt by Exodus for giving Chambers a platform. Though many can forgive, some cannot accept any apology for their pain. For example, there are stories of young persons being forced to go through programs or face being kicked out of their homes. There are others whose parents threatened not to help pay for their college education. Some were told they could not claim to be Christian if they had a same-sex attraction.

However, I admire Justin Lee for taking this step by opening dialogue with Chambers, even before the conference began. Perhaps, in some ways, we have to give each other the benefit of the doubt and assume that Chambers et al., were genuinely wanting to do the right thing, and as followers of Jesus, we should humbly consider all things. But when the growing evidence is that an act of the will cannot change a person’s same-sex attraction or gender identity, then there needs to be a change in tactics and ideology, if not a complete abandoning of faulty ideas and programs. In many respects, what Exodus claims to do is no different than someone offering people living with Crohn’s disease a cure, but it requires them to stop eating.

In what is now being reported and talked about all over the internet since January 6, 2012, a historic opportunity for Mr. Chambers to defend his position (an Exodus’ by extension), is his admission that 99.9% of the people who go through the Exodus program don’t experience the promised change. This is a shocking admission, and it should be seen as a major seismic event with far-reaching consequences. It specifically calls into question the claims being made in Uganda by proponents of the “Kill the Gays Bill” that it is possible for people to leave the “homosexual lifestyle” with the help of reparative programs, such as the ones offered by Exodus.

How will Chambers’ admission be explained away by those who believe change is possible? For those who claim homosexuality is a choice, this might be seen as a small bump in the road. Some will say Chambers was under duress since he had to defend himself against four powerful opponents, all of whom had been involved with Exodus and associated organizations until they had a change of conscience and now basically believe gay is okay with G_d. But this was no forced response; it may have been a slip of the tongue, but my belief is that truth cannot be hidden forever. It is similar to how I finally came to the point where I admitted to myself that I could not change my gender identity as much as I wanted to and that G_d did not condemn me.

I do pray 2012 will be better for LGBT persons worldwide.

If you are transgender or know someone who is and would like to connect with me, I would be honoured to hear from you. Here is a link. 


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