Skip to main content

Witnessing a Birth of Sorts

When the moment to start life anew comes, it usually happens in the quietness of one's spirit. Yesterday, February 21, 2012 will mark the moment my friend Tori took that step in the most unassuming way.

In 1999, about the time I was being assessed and diagnosed at the Vancouver Hospital's Gender Clinic, I made a couple of calls to a support group in the area. Their brochure listed a phone number and stated calls could be made on Thursday nights if you needed to speak to someone, otherwise you could leave a message and someone would get back to you. The woman who answered was friendly and explained the purpose of the group an how one would go about attending their meetings and other events. Membership was reserved for those who had been vetted and approved by the membership committee. Confidentiality and security of personal information was very high on the group's priority list.

Given the group's stated purposed was to provide a safe place for heterosexual men to cross-dress and socialize, learn from each other and support each other, I never did follow through with joining or even attending a meeting as a guest. Though I crossdressed from time to time, for me it was not a hobby or a form of socializing, as it seemed to be for those who were part of this group. At least, that was my assumption. In all honesty, perhaps the reason I never ventured to go to a meeting had more to do with my fears. I was terrified to venture out in public, even to a friendly place where everyone else had as much to loose if anyone was to find out. Many of those who were part of this group kept this part of their lives a closely guarded secret.

The second time I called the phone number, a man answered. It turned out to be the woman's husband and he was one of the officers of the group. I don't recall if he was the president at the time, or just the head of one of the committees. I asked a few more questions and learned a bit more about the group, but by that time I think I had already decided against joining. I suppose I just needed to talk to someone who understood and was in some ways like me.

At the end of August 2010, I was invited to a barbecue dinner party by a trans friend of mine, Kaitlyn. Initially, I was reluctant to accept the invitation since I didn't know anyone else who would be there and I have always been timid in situations like this one. Kaitlyn, a professional chef, had offered to cook the meal for everyone and was entitled to bring a guest and when she explained this to me, how could I refuse; I was honored to be her guest.

It turned out everyone at this party had been members of this support group and had known each other for years, with the exception of Kaitlyn, who was friends with the person who hosted the party, Terri. Among those in attendance was someone who introduced herself as Tori. I immediately remembered the person I had spoken to almost a decade earlier, whose name was also Tori and realized this was the same person who answered the phone the second time I called.

That was a significant meeting. It was on a Sunday and Tori had been torn between going to this dinner party with her old friends, or going to her church's inaugural service at a new facility. She had struggled with this dilemma so much, she even spoke to her pastor about it because she felt compelled to go to the party because something was telling her she had to be there for someone—she didn't know who. Pastor Dylan told her that if the Lord was putting this on her heart, then she should go to the party.

Please understand that when I heard about all this intrigue that took place in the background, I was incredibly surprised and moved. Me? I was the person Tori was supposed to meet? But why? In retrospect, our encounter that Sunday afternoon has all the markings of a divine appointment. I have already written about this unassuming event in my post Connecting the Dots to Charlotte’s Pride Event and Back and how meeting her sent my life in a completely different trajectory than I could have ever dreamed.

Yours truly with Tori, July 2011.
And now, perhaps the most significant consequence of our encounter, is that yesterday and today I had the privilege of going to Tori's workplace to give workshops to her bosses and co-workers on the realities of being transgender and what transition is all about. Because at the end of the day, I explained to them, transition is a group experience and the group is the context.

You may be wondering how it is that Tori, who has been presenting as herself beautifully at church is only now transitioning at work. The short answer is she is not alone. Many transgender persons find themselves in a similar predicament. You could blame society for making it so difficult for people to be themselves, especially when one is gender non-comforming in one way or another. And she is also not alone in finally coming to the point where living a dual existence—going to work as a male, but living outside of work as a female—was no longer tenable. To say it is stressful is putting it mildly. When a transgender person reaches the point where they need to live honestly with themselves (and others) can no longer be delayed, something has to give. Fortunately, more and more transgender persons are finding the strength to do what they have to do. I'm sure Tori would be the first to point out her decision had nothing to do with bravery and that it was desperation. I can relate to that. But it is bravery nonetheless.

To anyone who would say being transgender is a choice, stop and consider for a moment, who would choose the most public of solutions for such a private and deeply personal struggle? The only choice is whether you are going to cave in and kill yourself, and many do, or choose life, even if it means making changes in one's body through medical and surgical means.

Yesterday, I had the incredible privilege of seeing my friend leave her workplace as a man for the last time. When she returns to work on Monday, she will be Tori. You could say that yesterday her new life began in earnest as she was finally able to shed the remnants of her male persona once and for all.

Congratulations Tori. I love you for who you are and for having listened to your heart more than once.

Don't be afraid to add a comment below... I always appreciate feedback! 

Popular posts from this blog

Cats and dogs seem to matter more to the ruling BC Liberals than trans persons.

The Apparent Hypocrisy of British Columbia’s Elected Liberal Government
The same week that Transgender advocates and allies stood in front of the BC Legislature in support of the introduction of a private member’s bill aimed at protecting the rights of transgender people, the BC Liberal Government announced an order-in-council that adopts the Canadian Veterinary Medical Association’s Codes of Practice for both kennel and cat breeding.

Indeed, this is very good news for dogs and cats in British Columbia.
Yet, this same Government has sat intentionally on it’s laurels, refusing to pass an exact version of the “trans rights bill” on three previous occasions. This is the fourth time the Honourable Spencer Chandra Herbert, MLA for Vancouver-West End, introduces this bill. The bill would amend the BC Human Rights Code (BCHRC) to include “gender identity and gender expression.”
Having “gender identity and gender expression” included in the BCHRC will afford increased protection, safety, and …

Paradox = Father’s Day for a trans woman.

It seems innocent enough, to have a day to celebrate fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society.

If one’s relationship with their father was a good one, this day of honor will seem completely appropriate and welcomed. If your dad was not deserving of this kind of respect, then this yearly reminder could be extremely painful.

Equally, if you’re a trans woman who fathered children, this day can either be a good or a bad—if not surreal—experience. It all depends on the kind of relationship you now have with your children. Father’s Day is extremely painful when your children have rejected you and want nothing to do with you. As far as they are concerned, you might as well be dead. It hurts. However, If your relationship has survived, then you can count yourself extremely lucky.

I was fortunate on two counts. On one hand, I had a dad who was loving and, best of all despite his relative old age when I came out to him (he was 89), he did not reject me. On the oth…

A note to fearful pastors: Don't worry, trans people aren’t likely to break down the doors to your church any time soon.

Some thoughts in the aftermath of a young trans girl’s tragic suicide on Dec. 28, 2014.
A recent survey indicated close to 70% of transgender persons wanted nothing to do with organized religion. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to imagine why this may be so. I would not be surprised, given the viral reaction in the trans community to Lelaah Alcorn’s death, if that number isn’t 90% by now. If you haven’t read the story, here’s the Google search link.Or see this on MSNBC
Interestingly, one reality that is emerging in my research is that the church is not seen as a place of refuge by trans persons. As a matter of fact, most trans people would rather stay away—forever. Who walks bleeding into a lion’s den?

Despite the fact that there are conversations happening, they are likely to be akin to “preaching to the choir.” Churches that genuinely want to be or are already inclusive will continue to be few and far between. It’s wonderful there are conversations taking place and that…