I’m Still Too Raw and White-Hot with Anger
Trigger Warning: Death by Suicide
Officiating a friend’s Celebration of Life was an honour, but it shouldn’t have been necessary. I have been growing increasingly angry, and I want to lash out at the injustice and ignorance that has now claimed the life of someone I was becoming friends with. She was a fellow trans sister.
Katterina was from Nova Scotia and transitioned socially and medically about six years ago. As is the case for many married trans people, she, too, went through a divorce. She was an electrician by trade. After finding her work being sabotaged and her tools disappearing from the work sites, she moved to BC. She spoke to Morgane Oger of Trans Alliance in Vancouver, who assured her that the trade unions in BC had zero tolerance for that kind of crap.
Moving to Vancouver seemed like the only way to find peace of mind, yet she hated being separated from her parents and her adult children. She packed up her belonging into her brand-new Toyota Corolla and drove across the country. Then, tragedy struck on her fourth day in Vancouver when she was in a motor vehicle accident that left her seriously injured and her car totaled.
Dealing with the Insurance Corporation of BC (ICBC) and her out-of-province insurer became the nightmare we all fear. But Katterina was resilient, and despite her brain, back, and knee traumas, she worked hard at rehabilitation. When it became clear she would not be able to return to the workforce as an electrician, she tried doing gig work in Vancouver's film industry, but this proved impossible to sustain.
She eventually qualified for disability benefits and assistance with retraining. She chose Interior Design, where she could use her incredible artistic talent. Katterina enrolled in a private school and was proving that she had what it takes.
Then, in early April 2016, she was dealt a blow that I believe contributed to her deteriorating mental health.
That April afternoon, Katterina made an alarming comment on Facebook. She had been misgendered in a horrible way by the nurse attempting to insert a stent for an IV line in her arm. She screamed in pain and asked for someone else to insert the line. The nurse was offended and lashed out. This is how Katterina described it later:
“[The nurse] looked at my hospital armband, and when she saw it had an "F" indicating my sex as “Female,” she asked if it was a mistake…I was mortified. She then asked if it shouldn’t read “T” or “M” instead. There was another patient and her family in the bed adjacent to me on the other side of the curtain, who had to have heard what this nurse was saying to me. To me, this Nurse was telling me that I was fooling no one. Least of all her, and that I was obviously Male despite what my ID said.”
In her cryptic post, she talked about the pain, the devastating insult, and how she was crying uncontrollably, but she didn’t say which hospital she was at. I read her message within minutes of her posting it and fired off a direct message (DM) asking her where she was so I could come to be with her.
In the meantime, assuming that she was at Vancouver General Hospital’s ER, I called Dr. Fleming, whom I knew personally. He was one of the senior teaching doctors in the ER, and I told him about my friend’s predicament. He said he would check immediately.
A few minutes later, Katterina answered my DM and said she was at one of the Catholic-run hospitals in Vancouver. I called Dr. Fleming again to tell him my friend was not at VGH. He said he was about to call me back to say the same thing. I thanked him for his quick response.
I asked Katterina to call me. She called sometime later, and I asked her if she wanted me to come, and she said maybe in a couple of days. She expected to be there until her pain was gone. This is how she would go on to describe her ordeal in a post a couple of days later, it was heartbreaking:
“Just spent an evening in ER with another Diverticulitis flair-up. They hopped me up on Morphine and Antibiotics. Worst IV needle I ever had hacked into my arm. And the nurse misgendered me two or three times, and I lost it. I spent my whole evening crying in ER. I thought I was passing very well, but I guess I was deluding myself... “I’m just a freak in women’s clothes.” Society will never accept me… I’m worn out. I’m tired of fighting to carve out a place in this world... I love you all. Goodnight.”
She called me a few days later and asked, “Guess where I am? My doctor's office brought me to the VGH Psychiatric Evaluation Unit by ambulance. He told me I needed to come immediately after I told him I wanted to kill myself.” She said she had been allowed to make one last phone call before surrendering her phone, then added she would not be allowed any visitors for 48 hours.
I went to see her two days later, and my heart broke. She was under suicide watch, which meant being in a room with no door and no sheets on the bed. Katterina spent the next five weeks in the Psychiatric ward, where, to my horror, she was consistently misgendered by other patients and staff, who should have known better.
By the time she was discharged, her landlord had evicted her from her basement apartment, forcing her to store her belongings. Home became one of the Salvation Army’s shelters for women in downtown Vancouver. She spent several months there, during which time she began putting her life back together.
She filed a formal complaint against Providence Health. She at least got the satisfaction of knowing that the nurse had been reassigned to a different ward and had been ordered to undergo trans-sensitivity training. As an added measure, the entire department was included in the training. She received a formal apology, which seemed sincere. Still, after she posted the contents of the letter on Facebook, many of her trans friends were appalled at the writer’s lack of knowledge and sensitivity. She used the word “transgendered” twice.
In the two years and a bit since this life-sucking episode to the day she chose to end her life, Katterina tried to remain optimistic. She often posted on Facebook and shared her ongoing challenges with insurance companies, government agencies, and her financial situation. We had one thing in common: we were both women of faith who believed in a God who loves us as we are, but I wish I had been more sensitive to her feelings and thoughts.
In one of her latter posts, she said, "I’m tired of fighting for what's Right! This world is going to Hell in a handbasket! And there's nothing any of us can do to stop it...You know. I know TDOR is for those amongst us who have been murdered...But. Isn't Suicide also Murder by a Thousand Daggers? Each knife wound may not kill you, but given enough painful wounds like this... It can send some of us over the edge...Should we who commit suicide not also be remembered for the pain and suffering we have had to endure? Have we not also been Murdered By An Intolerant Society?”
We were all sleeping on the night Katterina chose to die. Her last few posts were made starting just before midnight, and her final sad note just before 1 in the morning.
“Some of you may not know this. But Katt is a fitting name for me, as I almost drowned when I was a teen...But two guys saved me.”
“Sometimes I still feel overwhelmed and as if I'm drowning...”
“Love you, my sisters! Xoxo”
“We are all both Male and Female because God
is both female and male...we are equals! Never forget that.”
“It;s over for me. orry”
***
If you or someone you know has been affected by the story,
please reach out for support. You are not alone.
Trans Lifeline can be reached toll-free anywhere in Canada at 1 (877)-330-6366,
or in the U.S. at 1 (877) 565-8860.
Talk Suicide Canada offers 24/7/365 support and can be reached at 1.833.456.4566.
Please don’t hesitate to call if you need help.
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Postscript 1:
Lord God, I have been so blessed by the valuable lessons
I have learned throughout my life and am so truly blessed
to have learned them.
I now live the life of my dreams with wonderful friends and
family who love and understand me…. My cup floweth over,
dear Lord, and I am happy to share and work toward the
greater good of all people.
I enjoy the acceptance of all people, by all peoples, of each
other no matter what their differences.
Amen, Katterina. Amen
Postscript 2:
I did not publish this Blogpost after I wrote it because I was angry at the world and wasn’t sure if it would trigger a person in a vulnerable moment. It was the incident that caused me to stop blogging soon after.
