To Be Seen, Not as a Problem, But as a Person
Introduction
We live in a world
increasingly shaped by soundbites, certainty, and outrage. But beneath the
surface of heated debates about gender, identity, and inclusion lie quieter,
more complex truths—ones that rarely make headlines but define how we relate to
one another.
As a trans woman in my mid-70s, I feel a quiet but enduring obligation to advocate for people like me, especially trans youth, who are coming of age in a time of growing hostility and suspicion. I’ve lived long enough to see culture shift in waves. But what
I’ve come to realize, especially through my work as a Spiritual Health
Practitioner, is that lasting change rarely starts from the outside in.
It begins within.
For the past two years, my
professional development has led me deeper into therapeutic frameworks that
explore the roots of our fear and resistance, first through Terror Management
Theory (TMT), and more recently, Internal Family Systems (IFS). IFS
doesn’t try to correct our discomforts or argue them away. Instead, it invites
us to pause, listen, and ask: What part of me is afraid right now? And
can my wiser, compassionate Self be present with that part without becoming it?
This post is an offering—a way to apply the IFS model to two of the most polarizing issues around trans inclusion today: access to public washrooms and participation in girls’ and women’s sports. My goal isn’t to convince you, but to invite you. Because curiosity opens doors that judgment keeps shut.
🧭
A Daily Practice of Inner Observation:
Through the Lens of
Internal Family Systems
Internal Family Systems
(IFS) isn’t just a therapeutic model; it’s a profound shift in how we relate to
ourselves. At its essence, IFS teaches that we are not a single, unified personality, but rather a constellation of inner parts: some protective, some wounded,
some reactive, and some wise. These parts are always present, shaping how we
feel, think, respond, and interact with the world.
Most of us move through
life reacting. We say, “I was so angry,” or “I’m completely overwhelmed,” as
though those states define us. But IFS invites a different view:
“A part of me is angry.”
“A part of me feels overwhelmed.”
“Another part is trying to manage everything.”
“And yet, there’s a part of me that can breathe, listen, and lead.”
This subtle shift—from
identification to observation—changes everything. It opens a space within
us. A space where we can pause, listen, and meet our inner world with curiosity
instead of judgment.
The Value of IFS in Daily Life
In a world that often
demands speed, certainty, and control, IFS offers a soft, steady practice of
turning inward. It helps us:
- Interrupt automatic reactions
Instead of lashing out, shutting down, or spiralling, we can say: “A part of me is panicking—can I be with it instead of becoming it?” - Stay connected in difficult moments.
Whether we’re caring for someone else or facing our own vulnerability, IFS reminds us that we can hold space for our pain, rather than being consumed by it. - Cultivate inner leadership
The Self in IFS isn’t a new version of the ego—it’s the calm, clear awareness that’s always been there. Leading from Self doesn’t mean having all the answers. It means returning, again and again, to compassion, presence, and courage.
Moment-by-Moment Awareness
Practicing IFS in daily
life is not about constant analysis. It’s about gentle inner listening:
- When a friend says something that
stings, can we pause and ask: “What part of me is feeling hurt?”
- When we feel the urge to fix, control,
or disappear, can we ask: “What’s this part afraid might happen?”
- When we feel calm and open, can we let
the Self lead, even just for a breath?
This practice becomes a
kind of inner hospitality, welcoming all parts without shame. And over
time, it becomes instinctive. We recognize the old voices, the protective
strategies, the tender exiles. We learn not to push them away, but to accompany
them. We become companions to ourselves.
Integration, Not Elimination
IFS doesn’t promise that
our parts will go away. It promises something better: that they’ll learn to
trust us. That they can unburden, heal, and take on new roles. And that we’ll
discover, even in our most chaotic moments, that we are not broken—we are a
living system seeking harmony.
Living with IFS is not
about becoming perfect. It’s about being honest, curious, and kind—again
and again. It’s about learning to say:
“A part of me is struggling
right now… but another part knows how to listen.”
And that’s enough. That’s
the path.
🌈
A
tangible and real-world application of IFS:
How Internal Family Systems Can Help Us
Understand Our Reactions to Trans Inclusion
Let’s be honest: for many people, topics like
trans women using public washrooms or trans girls playing in girls’ sports
don’t just raise questions—they spark intense emotional reactions.
People say, “I’m not anti-trans… but I’m
uncomfortable with this.”
Or, “I just want fairness.”
Or even, “Can’t we draw the line somewhere?”
These reactions aren’t necessarily about hatred
or ignorance. They often stem from a much deeper source: our inner world of
beliefs, fears, values, and emotional history. The truth is, when something
challenges how we make sense of the world, it activates us. And it activates us
in different, sometimes contradictory, ways.
This is where Internal Family Systems
(IFS) can help.
IFS invites us to see ourselves not as one unified self, but as a system of
inner parts. Some parts try to protect us from discomfort. Others react to
perceived threats. Some carry the fears we inherited from family, culture, or
past experiences. Others might want to learn and grow.
From an IFS perspective, these parts all have
one thing in common: they’re trying to help—even if their methods are outdated
or misinformed.
So when we feel uneasy about trans people in
public spaces, especially around privacy or competition, IFS encourages us to
pause and ask:
– Which part of me is speaking right now?
– What is this part afraid might happen?
– Is there a calmer, wiser part of me—my core Self—that can listen to this fear without being ruled by it?
Public Washrooms
Bathrooms are intimate spaces. Many people
associate them with privacy, safety, and boundaries, especially for children or
vulnerable individuals. A part of you might feel protective, and that’s
understandable.
But ask:
- Is this part reacting to trans women… or to a broader fear of unfamiliarity
and exposure?
- Could it be holding onto a story about who is safe and who is not, based on
past messaging rather than present reality?
Trans women have always needed to use
washrooms—most simply want to pee in peace. But the fear often isn't about
them. It's about parts of us that feel threatened by ambiguity, or by change we
didn't ask for.
Girls’ and Women’s Sports
Sports stir up ideas about fairness,
competition, and identity. A part of you might say, “But this isn’t fair—what
about the rules?”
Pause and ask:
- Is this part afraid the world is changing faster than it can make sense of?
- Is it clinging to a definition of fairness that leaves no room for complexity
or new science?
Remember: trans kids aren’t trying to dominate—they’re trying to belong. Often, they face ridicule, loss, and exclusion just to participate in the joy of movement and play.
Q&A Through the IFS Lens
**Q:
What if I just can’t get comfortable with these changes?**
A: That’s okay. From an IFS perspective,
discomfort can be a signal, not a verdict. A part of you might be trying to
protect your sense of order or moral clarity. Rather than override it, try
listening to it. Ask: “What’s this part afraid might happen?” And: “Can my
calm, centred self stay with this part without being swept away by it?”
**Q: I don’t hate anyone, but I’m still
unsure. Isn’t that fair?**
A: It is human to feel conflicted. IFS
encourages self-inquiry over self-judgment. You can acknowledge the part that’s
unsure and the part that’s compassionate. Growth begins not with certainty, but
with curiosity.
**Q: Doesn’t concern about fairness in
sports make me rational, not transphobic?**
A: Possibly. But through the IFS lens, you
might ask: “Is this concern coming from a part that feels protective of
fairness? Or from a part that’s uncomfortable with change?” Either way, naming
that part allows space for reflection, not reactivity.
**Q: Can’t we just agree to disagree?**
A: Perhaps—but inner dialogue matters when
disagreement risks contributing to outer harm. IFS invites you to reflect on
whether the part wanting to “agree to disagree” might also be trying to avoid
deeper discomfort. That avoidance could be shielding you from growth or
shielding others from justice.
**Q: How do I know when a part of me is
leading, not my true self?**
A: In IFS, the Self is marked by calmness,
compassion, and clarity. If your response is driven by panic, outrage, or rigid
judgment, a protective part may be in charge. That’s not wrong—it’s just a cue
to pause, listen inward, and return to the deeper self that can lead with
grace.
Understanding trans people—especially in the areas that feel most personal, like washrooms and sports—requires more than facts. It calls for inward honesty. Internal Family Systems doesn’t tell us what to believe. It asks us to listen to what we already believe—and where those beliefs came from. Not to silence them, but to lead them with compassion.
Because when we become more curious and courageous inside, we often become more just and generous outside.
And in the end, that’s what every human being, trans or not, is hoping for:To be seen not as a problem, but as a person.
